The Price of a Smile or How I Negotiated my Way Through a Bad Pizza in Anaheim

My wife and I took our son to Disneyland's California Adventure for his fifth birthday. We weren't sure what to expect. We'd taken him to Disneyland when he was three and he pretty much hated it. Our saving grace was the It's a Small World ride. That was the only one he enjoyed. So, yes, we were apprehensive. On top of that, the cost to get into the park for a family of three is somewhere around three-hundred dollars. Let that sink in. It's just a theme park. You know, rides, parades, people dressed as Disney characters, hour-long waits, over priced food, a lot of walking, enough people to make you feel like a herd of cattle. Three-hundred bucks we paid for that.

But my son Noland loved it. He behaved himself better than usual and was eager to go on several rides (you really can't go on many considering the long waits, and I was astonished that he held it together in those lines). The best part was a parade that featured several characters from Pixar movies like Cars and Monsters, Inc. We were bushed and decided to sit on the sidewalk and wait for the parade. Noland was happier than I've ever seen him, and he got a lot of attention from the characters in the parade. That, my friends, was worth the exorbitant fee to get into the place.

But what about the pizza? Ah, the pizza.

We stayed at a motel called the Jolly Roger. We've stayed there before, back when the Disneyland entrance was on the other side of the park, where the California Adventure is now. You have to walk a few blocks to get to the entrance now, the consequence of which has caused the motel to lose business, which has resulted in a sub par experience for all. The stairs were all rusted, we were awakened at four in the morning by a beeping fire alarm with a low battery in the room next to ours, there was construction next door where the pools used to be, and the people in the room next to us insisted on slamming the door repeatedly from five AM until we left the place at nine-thirty. They were also kind enough to allow their children to run down the corridor, back and forth, as if they had declared themselves human alarm clocks, because no one in the place wanted to sleep past five anyway, right?

So, after we settled into our room, finished with our Disney excursion, we decided to order a pizza, something we have done after just about every Disneyland trip since my wife and I were dating. I went into the lobby and asked the desk clerk for suggestions. He gave me three menus and pointed out the one that was most popular with their guests.

Now, I have rules about ordering pizza. First off, I check the menu to see if they offer artichoke hearts as an additional topping. The first menu (the name escapes me), the one that was popular, indeed offered artichoke hearts. Good. Great. I set that one aside. The second menu, for a place called California Pizza Kitchen, looked like something from a themed joint you take your kids for their birthday. I reluctantly checked the toppings and discovered, not to my surprise, that they did not offer artichoke hearts.

I promptly threw the menu on the floor.

The third menu looked promising, but alas they too did not offer artichoke hearts. That one found its home on the floor as well.

It appeared that the popular vote won the battle of the three pizza joints, and so I embarked on making a call to order my family a pie. We decided on artichoke hearts and ham. So here's another pet peeve of mine. Ham is ham and Canadian bacon is what should be offered for your pizza. I mean who wants deli ham on their pizza? Not me. I said to my wife something along the lines of, "Maybe I should ask for Canadian Bacon. What if they actually put ham on our pizza. I'd be devastated." She told me that most pizza places use the word ham, but it's always Canadian bacon. I know this to be true and I'm against it one hundred percent.

I call the place and I'm told that they are out of artichoke hearts. WHAT? You must be kidding me! I just about lost my will to be. I scrambled for an adequate substitution, but my mind was all a flurry. How is it a reputable Italian restaurant runs out of artichoke hearts? My mind flashed words of doubt in red. I was speechless. Alas, my wife came to rescue and said we should get bell peppers. Okay. Fine. Bell peppers it is. Sit back, have a drink, take a deep breath, and wait for a knock at the door. It's gonna be all right. Really, it is.

Or was it?

About a half an hour later there was a knock on the door. I opened it to a grinning little man with a pizza box. I gave him a hundred dollar bill and he gave me my change, purposely giving seven dollars in ones when he could have given a five and two singles, you know, for the tip. I gave him a five. I tip good for good service. I close the door and promptly opened the lid...

Diced bell peppers.

Read that a few times. Let it sink in. Have you ever gotten even a decent pizza with diced bell peppers on it? Me neither. You wanna know why? Because fresh peppers are always cut into strips. That they were diced meant they came out of a bag in the freezer?

You know what's even worse than that? You guessed it. Ham meant ham. Deli ham. All over the pizza with all those nasty little mushy diced peppers that have no substance because they'd been frozen an hour ago. The dough tasted like it was maybe one of those quick rising jobs that comes out of a bag. No yeast, just add water. There was a lot of cheese, but no amount of cheese could have saved this sorry excuse for a pizza from such a shameful preparation. And all this from the place that so many Jolly Rogers guests claimed to enjoy.

I planted my palm firmly against my forehead.

To think I paid eighteen dollars for that shit.

But, in the end, my son had a wonderful time that day, so, even with a belly full of shitty pizza, it was well worth it.

Now, go give your kid a hug. And if you don't have children, give your dog or cat a hug.

Cheers!

Review Reward Month

March is Review Reward Month at Grand Mal Press. In a nutshell, that means you will receive a free ebook for every amazon review you leave for a Grand Mal title in the month of March. The details are here on the Grand Mal website. It's very easy to do, and well worth it. They have a number of titles to choose from, and who doesn't like something for FREE?

So, if you have read my Grand Mal title Through the In Between, Hell Awaits, leave a review and email the link to Grand Mal. They'll allow you to choose which ever title you like from their catalogue and send you the ebook file. Maybe you've read several Grand Mal titles and have yet to write reviews. Well, get reviewing and receive a free title for each one. Simple as pie.

A Review of Jamais Vu, Issue 1

For those of you who don't already know, Jamais Vu is the latest relevant horror magazine on the block from the fine folks at Post Mortem Press, publisher of my second novel People of the Ethereal Realm. I was excited when I heard that Post Mortem were going to publish a magazine featuring horror fiction. When I heard that Paul Anderson was assigned as editor-in-chief, I knew the magazine was in good hands.

Jamais Vu is everything I expected and more. Within the beautiful covers are 85 pages of book and movie reviews, articles, poetry, and, of course, horror fiction. In the mix are interesting factoids about random subjects such as fungus infected ants to strange Swiss statues to a pair of horror themed comic strips. This magazine has an eclectic mix that keeps you turning the pages, but, for me, the meat is in the horror fiction. Of the seven stories there was only one that I didn't like, and it had nothing to do with the quality of the writing, but more that it wasn't my taste. Those are the kind of odds that have made an instant fan out of me.

The first story, "Photo Captions" by Gary A. Braunbeck, sets the tone of magazine as far as the fiction is concerned. A stunningly real and depressing portrait of how low life can sink, this one will grab your heart and squeeze. It's like a behind-the-scenes look at so many unfortunate news stories, but I won't tell you which stories, because that's a part of the shock ending.

Michael Kelly's "Bait" is beautifully written, and though I had a good idea where this story was going, it was one of my favorites. From the title you can guess that it's a story revolving around fishing, but there's so much more. Sometimes the darkest secrets are oh so close.

I would call Jessica McHugh's "Another Pleasant Valley Sunday" a mix of Ira Levin's Stepford Wives meets "It's a Good Life" by Jerome Bixby, and I'm cool with that. This one is surreal, and, like "It's a Good Life", this story would have made for a great episode of The Twilight Zone...well, and R-rated episode.

"Video Nasties" by Max Booth III is perhaps the most aggressive of the seven stories that, like the issue opener, takes on a serious societal issue. Following the story are two essays that straddle two sides of the issue of media's influence on violence in society.

When I finished Cameron Suey's "Shiva" I stared off into space for a moment and thought deeply about what lies in wait after death. This story is as touching as it is powerful. One of my favorites of the bunch.

"The Hydra Wife" by Sandra M. Odell was the one I didn't connect with. Well written, this story just didn't hit my jive, though I imagine the bizarre surrealism will have found the tale placed on the top of many a reader's favorites list.

Finally, the issue closes with what may have been my favorite tale, "Another Friendly Day in the Antique Trade" by Adam-Troy Castro. This one brought me back to what I found so enthralling about Stephen King's early short fiction. The opening sentence says it all. Yes folks, there's a mouth in the sidewalk and it ate Otis Hinkman. That may sound preposterous, but I guarantee you'll read this one with zeal and savor every last morsel.

Jamais Vu has what it takes to stick around for a long time and I'm certain the readership will grow with every issue. I'm hooked. Already looking forward to issue 2, which promises a new story by none other than Jack Ketchum.

You can purchase Jamais Ju from amazon, Post Mortem Press, and all major on-line retailers.

In an attempt to secure new fiction from well-known authors, there has been a kickstarter campaign that you can find HERE if you are interested in further supporting Post Mortem Press and their amazing endeavor with Jamais Vu. Whether you choose to kick down a few bucks or not, you certainly must give this magazine a read. You will not regret it.

"Cramped" - Free Short Story

If you weren't aware, there's a place on the Grand Mal Press website that features free short fiction from some of the GMP authors. The purpose for this is pretty simple: read a short story, get the gist for a writers style, and then buy their book if you feel so inclined. Of course, you could always use the feature on amazon that allows you to read the first several pages, but why not read an entire short story? Did I mention that it's free? Yep. My short story "Cramped" has recently been added and I think you, yes you, will like it. I would also suggest reading the other stories available.

If you're still not sure whether to go from my short piece right on over to Amazon to buy my Grand Mal release, Through the In Between, Hell Awaits, then  I suggest you use Amazon's preview feature and read the first paragraph. It's a hell of a hooker if I say so myself (easily my favorite opening of anything I've written).

Killer Reads in 2013

I haven't kept track of what books I read this year. Sometimes I write them down in a journal. Maybe I should use Goodreads for keeping track of what I read. Anyway, like many of my fellow authors I would like to post about what books stood out that I read in 2013. There's no rhyme and little reason as to why I like a book other than it had that mental umami effect. If I can't put the book down, that's what I call a killer book. That's it. I don't look for some deeper meaning. I don't try to figure out what the book was a metaphor of. I just want to be taken away. I read to escape. I want to visit someone else's world and wade in it for a while, feel what they feel. And I tend to dig the dark side of the spectrum. So here it goes:

I'll start out with my favorite read of the year, Bad Chili by Joe R. Lansdale. I have been told by too many people that I need to read Lansdale. I'd read a few short stories and enjoyed each of them. I spotted a nice hardcover of Bad Chili at a thrift store maybe a year ago. My question now is: Why the hell did I wait so long to read this book?

I bought the Subterranean Press re-issue of his debut novel Act of Love a while back. I'm now reading that and enjoying every bit of it. It reads like a debut novel, particularly after reading Bad Chili, which is such a tight, seamless tale that really showcases how tuned Lansdale's talent as an author has become over the years. Looks like I have an extensive back catalogue to get through.

Muerte con Carne by Shane McKenzie was another standout story for me this year. I've been a fan of Shane since reading Infinity House and Muerte cemented that for me. I really need to catch up. This guy is about as prolific as they come and 2014 looks even more jam-packed with new releases than '13.



There's always a lot of interest in the Lovecraft mythos. Maybe too much, but, as with zombies and vampires, I will dip my toes into that type of horror tale from time to time, particularly when I know how good the author is. The Return by David A. Riley is a dark, depressing tale of Lovecraftian mystery and plenty of horror. If you haven't read David A. Riley then you need to pick up one of his 2013 releases and rectify that. He's been publishing short stories professionally for decades and I'm glad he has finally given us such a fantastic novel.

I know Joe Hill's NOS4A2 was all the rage this year, but I'm hoping maybe to get that one for Christmas. I did read his novel Heart-Shaped Box and thoroughly enjoyed it. A shame he is often compared with his father, for his writing is a force to be reckoned with that stands alone quite well. I'm a fan of rock 'n' roll and heavy metal, so the idea of a protagonist who is an aging rock star appealed to me. Good stuff!

And finally I would also like to acknowledge a collection of horror stories that was right up my alley. The Crossroads by K. Trap Jones is a collection of narrative horror that relies heavily on atmosphere and dread, though Trap doesn't hesitate from the macabre and disturbing. This was an exceptional collection considering how many of the stories I liked. Really none of them were bad, I just didn't like a few of them as much as so many others. That's a feat considering how many single author collections are littered with sub par stories.

So there you have it. Just a sampling of what I read this year. I always hope to read more books each year. In 2014 I think I'll better track my reading. And I think I'll read more mysteries and thrillers, maybe some sci-fi. Maybe not. Certainly more Lansdale.

Cheers!

Trippin' Through The Crossroads: An Interview with Horror Author K. Trap Jones

I recently read a killer collection of short stories by K. Trap Jones entitled The Crossroads, released by Hazardous Press earlier this year. I go into a single author collection, or even an anthology, hoping I'll like at least fifty per cent of the stories. Does that seem like a low number? Maybe. But let's face it, how many collections have you read that were better? They're out there, but sometimes hard to find. I love the collections of Robert Bloch, Richard Matheson, Stephen King, Clive Barker and Ray Bradbury, among others. Those guys are so good they can write about a bowel movement and turn it to gold. The Crossroads hit me pretty hard, beginning with a story that set the tone for the entire collection not only because of the theme, but due to its wickedness and the sheer dread it filled me with. From there on each story grabs you, even the few that I didn't like as much as the others, and by the time you've finished you kind of want to revisit a few of them. Yeah, it's that good.

So, I contacted Mr. Jones and he agreed to meet with me somewhere in the ethereal crossroads  between our respective homelands on the opposite sides of the United States.  This is how it went:

 

Robert Essig: The Crossroads is a collection of narrative horror stories. What draws you to writing in a narrative style?

 

K. Trap Jones: Narrative horror is what I'm the most comfortable with. There is a certain sense of raw emotion that comes with narrative horror that really captured me ever since reading Poe's THE TELL-TALE HEART at a very young age. I truly enjoy becoming the character and expressing a slew of emotions as the character is challenged mentally to make it through a terrible situation. I'm not big on over describing elements within my stories. Within all of my narratives, I hardly ever use adjectives to describe the narrator. I allow the reader to picture him/her as they see fit. My vision of them will be different from others. Instead, I focus on the tone of the character and what is plaguing their mind as they stand at their own personal crossroads.

 

RE: It's hard to pick favorites, so let me be the one to put you on the spot here: which one of the stories in The Crossroads is your favorite and why?

 

KTJ: I actually have two favorites that have lingered with me since I wrote them. THAT ONE DIRT ROAD is the first one. The first half of the story is true. I grew up in Ft. Walton Beach, Florida and there was this creepy dirt road at the base of woods on the outskirts of an Air Force Base that my friends and I always went to.

 

The second story is DANCE WITH THE DEAD. I really had a difficult time getting this one out of my head. Someone once told me that writing narrative horror chips away at your sanity. There are a few scenes in this particular story that made it difficult to move on from it.

 

RE: What are your five desert island books? That's to say, if you were stranded on a desert isle, which five books would you like to be stranded with?

 

KTJ: I'm old school when it comes to my favorite books, so they would definitely be the following:

 

1. Inferno - Dante Alighieri

2. Dracula - Bram Stoker

3. Complete Collection of Edgar Allan Poe

4. Grimm's Fairy Tales

5. Jaws - Peter Benchley

 

RE: "The Roadie" has overt heavy metal influence, and I venture that the final story in the collection, "Dance with the Dead", may have found a bit of inspiration from a certain Slayer song on the Season in the Abyss record (though I could be barking up the wrong tree here). Does heavy metal music bear an influence on your writing?

 

KTJ: You hit the nail on the head with DANCE OF THE DEAD. Slayer's song Dead Skin Mask is one of my favorite songs so I wanted to pay homage to it. Music is a big part of my storytelling. Not only will songs spark the creation of a character or plot, but it also helps the entire construction of the story. I write with music blaring through headsets. My genre of choice is Heavy Metal music, but I do venture all around. As a product of the 80's, I would always read the lyrics within those CD jackets and found that some of the best stories were in the form of music. THE ROADIE is an in-your-face dedication to the bands that helped shape my youth and writing style. I fought hard about how to write that story, because I didn't want it to come off as a cheesy advertisement, but at the same time I wanted to have the band names there, so I based the personalities of the different fans depending on which band shirt they were wearing. At the same time, I wanted to make sure that even if a reader wasn't a fan of metal music, that they would also be able to enjoy the read.

 

RE: Many of these stories are somewhat downbeat and even depressing--the kind of stuff I love to read. Do you prefer to write this type of story? Does this in some way reflect your perception of society?

 

KTJ: Tough question. Writing for me, is a kind of therapy. I use ink on paper to express myself and narrative horror allows me to achieve just that. I pour so much of myself within these stories that the line between fiction and reality can sometimes blur. There are a lot of real life details within each one, obviously not the violent aspects, lol. When I'm describing a location, like that particular dirt road, it's based on my real life experience. If I have been somewhere or experienced something, then I feel more comfortable writing about it.

 

Depression and sadness is something that we all share together, regardless of what pulls us there. My stories are very depressive in tone. The basic structure is to put a regular person in a terrible situation and have them describe what they are feeling. Anyone can write about an axe going into the back of someone's head and describe the bloody aftermath, but what I'm fascinated with is what the person holding the axe is thinking as the blade is being swung or any type of sorrow that follows. To me, that is where the true horror lies; within the mind of the killer.

 

RE: If you dropped dead tomorrow, what would you like on your tombstone?

 

KTJ: K. Trap Jones

Currently out to lunch, be back soon!

 

RE: How did you become a fan of horror?

 

KTJ: I became a fan of horror before I even knew what horror was. I was intrigued by the works of Edgar Allan Poe and Dante's Inferno at a very young age. I didn't know I was reading horror, I simply thought of them as great stories. I think the turning point was when I became a fan of the TV series Tales from the Crypt. With all the twists and turns that the show offered, I began to really enjoy the creative aspect of horror.

 

RE: Tell us a little about your latest splatterpunk novella The Drunken Exorcist.

 

KTJ: Crazy, crazy, crazy. THE DRUNKEN EXORCIST, published by Necro Publications, is probably the most insane plot I have ever written. Most of my stories come from some sort of question that gets conjured up within the back of my mind. With this one, I always wondered what happens during the most extreme case of exorcisms, when the peaceful procedures no longer work. The character of Father Schnitt has quickly become my favorite character. He's a foul mouthed, no nonsense preacher who has to deal with the scum of exorcisms. His attitude reflects his disgust for human society and being an outcast from the church for his ability to see demons and his unconventional ways of handling the extreme cases of exorcisms. Placed on probation for these methods, Father Schnitt is forced to transcribe his dealings with demons and his means for extraction. He quickly learns that whiskey is a demon deterrent and the bottles serve as a perfect cage for the demons, but the liquid poison is also deteriorating his mind. I had a blast writing this character with his crude tone and lineup of weaponry.

 

RE: What can we look forward to from K. Trap Jones in 2014?

 

KTJ: There's a lot brewing right now. In the beginning of 2014, my novel THE HARVESTER will be coming out from Blood Bound Books, which is the sequel to THE SINNER. Sirens Call Publications will be publishing my novel ONE BAD FUR DAY, which is a twisted story set in the animal society of Louisiana during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. There are a few other projects that I have completed that are currently in the hands of publishers.  I will also continue to write short stories, so another collection could be in the works. Maybe in the second half of 2014, we can hopefully see the return of Father Schnitt in a sequel to THE DRUNKEN EXORCIST.
 

THANKS FOR THE INTERVIEW!

I just want to add that I am a huge fan of your work and it's been an honor to visit your blog! Keep it heavy! \m/

 

RE: Thanks for dropping by! It was my pleasure!

 

 

Here are some useful links:

The Crossroads

The Drunken Exorcist (on sale for .99 cents kindle download!)

K. Trap Jones' website

 

 

 

K. Trap Jones is a writer of horror novels and short stories. With a sadistic inspiration from Dante Alighieri and Edgar Allan Poe, his temptation towards folklore, classic literary works and obscure segments within society lead to his demented writing style of "filling in the gaps" and walking the jagged line between reality and fiction. His debut novel THE SINNER (Blood Bound Books, 2012) won the Royal Palm Literary Award. He is also a member of the Horror Writer's Association and can be found lurking around Tampa, Florida.

 

Splatterpunk 4 - OUT NOW!

Splatterpunk 4 is out now, but be quick, there is a new Christmas story by JEFF STRAND, starring Andrew Mayhem! Plus more new fiction by J.F. GONZALEZ, SHANE MCKENZIE, ROBERT ESSIG and JACK BANTRY. Art by DAN HENK, DANIELE SERRA, JIM AGPALZA and GLENN CHADBOURNE. Non-fiction: You Sick Fuck or Why I Love Extreme Horror by JEFF BURK. Interviews with JOHN SKIPP, SHANE MCKENZIE and J.F. GONZALEZ. Plus the usual…